Edition of Tucson Citizen Thursday, November 4, 1993 Thu Nov 4 1993 Tutson A 1 f “ ( X r ? V 1 -? 2 -4 1 I f run LnJ AtAk S" h i 4 ? f h - v OubQmkk 22nd St at Wilmot Rd 747-2000 1992 Ford Tempo ...
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Look, someone had to be the first person to die in a plane crash, right? It was kind of inevitable. As paid sex goes, a trip to the massage parlor sounds classier than hiring a hooker. But that's like saying coprophagia sounds like a classier bathroom activity than taking a shower -- entirely accurate, until you learn what it really means. Pop culture had convinced us that all masseuses are Jennifer Love Hewitts whose only worry is which male model to jack off before marrying. But then we talked to "Amy," who worked in a parlor in Montreal, and she told us the sticky truth If you search for a video of a woman giving a man a massage, it's going to play out the same way 90 percent of the time: She slowly rubs down the client with oil, things steadily getting hotter until the pair are nothing but a tangle of naked, glistening limbs. Well, the prevalence of this genre of porn is setting people up for a huge disappointment if they ever get a real-life massage, even if it is an erotic one. If you have this kind of "massage" parlor in your neighborhood -- the kind where they massage the client's boner -- you might see real beds instead of the standard massage tables. But more often than not, they have to keep up the illusion with the regulation equipment. It's hard enough with any customer, and it's extra tricky with the chunky ones. Nintendo And like in Tetris , the long bar comes when you least expect it, and lands in the worst possible place. And that's if she manages to stay on the table at all. One time, "the client was paying for a BJ but was very insistent on seeing my ass. It turns out that blowjobs also tend to give masseuses lockjaw when the table forces them into uncomfortable poses. We tried to read up some more on this topic, but that led us to Cosmo and we had to flee, screaming. Cosmopolitan Something Cosmo is very, very good at making us do. The aforementioned porn videos invariably focus on the sensual application of oil. That's because oil brings to mind the body's own fluids, and it shows off the actors' bodies, and it winds up as lube once the boning commences. But though Amy's massage parlor had huge massage oil bottles in each room, the oil never found its onto customers' crotchular regions. That's because oil dissolves condoms. And Amy would always use condoms, no matter what the client said. So here's how the scenario really plays out: After a few minutes of totally dry massage, Amy would ignore the props and reach for her hidden purse, which held lube and condoms for the actual sex. You can't legally advertise sex services in Canada. So Amy's parlor was in an office building, and it only advertised massage. The signs didn't even use outlines of women or garish neon, and the inside didn't look particularly sexual. Dimmers controlled the light, and Amy had to adjust them to set the mood. The music, as she puts it, was "a cheesy massage calm-soothing-water CD" -- a spa soundtrack, with nary a porn riff in earshot. Still, most people who entered understood what the place was truly for. Most people. Here's the way it's supposed to work: The client pays a straight fee for a "massage" -- this money goes to the parlor, not the masseuse. The client strips, showers, gets on the table and under a towel, and Amy gives him a preliminary rub-down not a real massage, since they aren't trained for that. Then she asks what else he wants, he tells her explicitly, and it's understood he will give her a "tip" for said services, which she keeps. The towel comes off, and she takes it from there. But the guy sometimes just doesn't respond. And it goes something like this:. Amy: "Oh, have they been going a bit Any other parts that way? I can do anything you want, you know. We went through the massage and small talk, and I made no money from that. One time, a woman came in. This customer wasn't looking for a lesbian massage sorry, fellas , and if she had been, Amy's not sure what she would have done. Instead, the client simply lay there with her towel on, picking up no weird vibes at all. It was just a woman that came in thinking, 'Oh my, this place is a steal! But remember that Amy, despite her experience in rubbing people as foreplay, has no expertise at all in real massage. The woman "likely had one of the most meh massages of her life. I hurt more now Have a fetish? Go see a dom. Too poor for a dom? Go see a masseuse! The second-class experience will embarrass you both, but for some customers, it's the best option. For example, a shy client once asked Amy to tie him up, which is rather vanilla, as fetishes go. But he didn't have any rope.
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